something I wrote a long time ago

Allow me to introduce myself
I am a pervert
a dirty sex craved monster.
I see that it makes you feel uncomfortable
You can leave if you want,
but I if you stay maybe we can both learn how to love.
See, I want to run too.  I hate myself.
Some years I don't even want to look in the mirror.
So I don't.
I want to be someone else.
But the more I get to know people, the more I see that I hate everyone.
We are all monsters, all hypocrites.  At least that is how I see it.
But I digress, I wanted to share about me.
I am a phoney, a fake.  I pretend to be something that you want me to be.
Then spend all my time trying to figure out what it is that you wanted me to be.
It makes me feel good to know that you like me.
Sometimes that is all that I have.  You liking me for being something that you want me to be when all I want is
To die.
I have tried to kill myself.
Many times.
I drank so many household cleaning supplies that my name should be Mr. Clean.
I drove myself to the hospital that night.
Didn't eat right for a week.
Shit like hell though.
I don't like to sit still.
I was raised in a suitcase
Learned my ABC's reading license plates.
Learned how to lie from my dad as he was "chew"ing his medicine.
Learned anger from my mom as she threw vacuums at my head.
Learned how to hide from them both as they both grew hard toward one another, both denying the other even existed.
I learned hate when the denial was complete.
I grew up in that hate.  In the void of nonexistence.
I saw that it is possible to unlove those closed to you.
I saw that it is easier to push someone away than to fight through the pain...
Even if that someone is yourself.
I learned how to lie to everyone...especially yourself.
What I haven't yet figured out is what to do when your lies are exposed.
My family must be better liars than I.  I still have more to learn.
But I don't know if I want to.