Whose got ambition now Virg?

A couple of years ago, I was volunteering at a local festival in town.  My task was directing people where to park as it was a little confusing.  One point in the afternoon, a strange man approached me saying that while he parked illegally, it was ok.  He left his business card.  He also said that I needed to show some ambition.  I found out later in the day that the strange man was none other than the mayor. 

Last night I had another run in with the mayor.  It was the red carpet premiere for the Capitol City Film Fest.  I didn't know what to expect or who was technically invited.  I didn't know if I would know anyone, I didn't care.  All I knew is that it was free, there was going to be food, I was hungry and needed to get out of the house.  So I went.  I ended up standing a few people behind Virg in line for the horderves.  It was all I could do not to laugh out loud. 

Turned out I did know someone there.  I ended up seeing one of my friends who is in the film industry.  I made my way over and met lots of other whose who in the local film world.  Everyone wanted to know who I was and why I was there.  Not that I didn't belong, just casual curiosity and polite exchanges of "hello's" and "what do you do's".  I quickly realized I have no answer to that question.

A few weeks ago I went to a job fair.  I knew what to expect and in hindsight wondered what compelled me to go.  It reinforced my criticism of the whole career mentality.  A bunch of phonies trying to lure you in by expecting you to be phony back.  No real authenticity.  That would break the facade, expose the lie that we don't really know each other.  Nor do we want to.

Last night was different.  I wasn't going to impress or get a job or meet people or any of that.  I was going for the experience and of course chicken.  The funny thing was, no one seemed to mind.  They actually enjoyed my honesty.  One of the guys I met actually bought me a drink and invited a bunch of us out to the local hot spot for a night out...on him.  People were intrigued by me....without me trying to impress. 

I realize I still need to find a concise way to answer the question of what I do.  I have always hated the question.  But it's not the question's fault.  I can still be me in answering the question.  So for now, the answer I gave last night will have to suffice.  I just live life.  I think that is one of the most ambitious endeavors one could have. 

something I wrote a long time ago

Allow me to introduce myself
I am a pervert
a dirty sex craved monster.
I see that it makes you feel uncomfortable
You can leave if you want,
but I if you stay maybe we can both learn how to love.
See, I want to run too.  I hate myself.
Some years I don't even want to look in the mirror.
So I don't.
I want to be someone else.
But the more I get to know people, the more I see that I hate everyone.
We are all monsters, all hypocrites.  At least that is how I see it.
But I digress, I wanted to share about me.
I am a phoney, a fake.  I pretend to be something that you want me to be.
Then spend all my time trying to figure out what it is that you wanted me to be.
It makes me feel good to know that you like me.
Sometimes that is all that I have.  You liking me for being something that you want me to be when all I want is
To die.
I have tried to kill myself.
Many times.
I drank so many household cleaning supplies that my name should be Mr. Clean.
I drove myself to the hospital that night.
Didn't eat right for a week.
Shit like hell though.
I don't like to sit still.
I was raised in a suitcase
Learned my ABC's reading license plates.
Learned how to lie from my dad as he was "chew"ing his medicine.
Learned anger from my mom as she threw vacuums at my head.
Learned how to hide from them both as they both grew hard toward one another, both denying the other even existed.
I learned hate when the denial was complete.
I grew up in that hate.  In the void of nonexistence.
I saw that it is possible to unlove those closed to you.
I saw that it is easier to push someone away than to fight through the pain...
Even if that someone is yourself.
I learned how to lie to everyone...especially yourself.
What I haven't yet figured out is what to do when your lies are exposed.
My family must be better liars than I.  I still have more to learn.
But I don't know if I want to.