wounded warrior

A fellow journeyman struggling to rediscover his first love. These are my tears, my wounds, my struggles, and my questions. May, as the saints of old have said, they be the tools other's lives are built on.

Monday, July 6, 2009

What does Jon feel about cigars?

My first day in Seattle can be summed up with one word, decisiveness. Sitting around a pool on the 4th when someone pulls out the cigars. I have been around guys smoking cigars. Even thought about it a time or two. But I never could bring myself to smoke. Never thought it was wrong or anything. I guess I never really could make up my mind. So when I was asked what I thought about cigars, I said my canned response to everything, "I don't know." And to be honest, I don't think I really do know.

I wasn't prepared for the response. Instantly one guy shot back that Seattle wasn't the place to be wishy-washy. I have spent my life in the "in betweens". I have made my home there, found comfort there. In the "in betweens" I never had to own up or make choices. It wasn't required. I could weasel my way out by honestly saying, "I don't know." It wasn't that I was ignoring the question (though admittedly I was), it was that I honestly didn't know. I never worked through the issues, whatever they may be.

Hearing that this is a place where it is required of me to make up my mind deeply challenges me, scares me. But if I am honest, I am also secretly glad. I am tired of not knowing if I want to pick up a cigar.
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2 comments:

  1. AnonymousJuly 7, 2009 at 3:56 PM

    Would you smoke a cigarette? Do you believe that cigarettes cause cancer..of the lungs, mouth(gums, toungue, nose), brain, gingivitis(causing toothloss), emphysema, and lead to death? A cigar is a larger cigarette. Put the facts together and you get a smoking gun!

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  2. jonJuly 7, 2009 at 8:16 PM

    Thanks for the concern. No need to guess where you stand. Though it is curious why one would be so set on their beliefs and remain anonymous. But anyway, the cigar was merely an analogy to all areas of my life. Like I said, I have lived in the "in betweens", never standing up and making choices for myself. I let others define me and what I believed or stood for. At times even changing to blend in with those around me. This experience with the cigar helped me realize I need to start to define what I believe, instead of always going with the flow or not wanting to rock the boat.

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