Responsibility? I hate that word. I hate the way it is used. Like someone who is perceived as lazy is always marked as irresponsible. Like those that keep getting bricks thrown at them day after day are labeled as irresponsible. Responsibility? Is giving in to the pressure of getting a boring job that wastes your talents considered boring, responsible? Is quitting something that you know you are going to hate before you get too invested in it, responsible? I don't know. Is not asking the question because you don't like the answer irresponsible? Yes, and I am willing to ask the question, so.......
I am responsible
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
How I feel
How I wish I was there with these two......
I met him on the cliffs
of twin rocks oregon
he was sittin on his bedroll
lookin just like richard brautigan
I thought he was an old man
he wasn't but 37
he said he'd been ridin trains
for 15 years
drawin portraits
to keep his belly full of beer
and it looked to me like he'd died
and missed the plane to heaven
but he was a nice ol' guy
for a younger man
he had a bottle of mad dog
he held in his hand
that he waved around a lot
to make his point
and I listened as he told his tales
of wine and women and county jails
and we finished off that bottle
and smoked a half a joint
he said "I came here to watch the sun
disappear into the ocean
it's been years
since I smelled this salty sea"
he turned his bottle up and down
and I saw him lost
and I saw him found
he said "I don't know
what i've been lookin for,maybe me..."
Well, I told him I too had been
travelin around livin out of my van
from town to town playin for tips
and whatever records I could move
[ Shawn Mullins Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
I said "I don't reckon i'll be
makin it big,
you know it's hard to get rich
off a tout of coffee house gigs"
and he said "yeah, but ain't it a blessin
to do what you wanna do..."
and I told him "yeah, I pulled off here
to watch the sun disappear into the ocean
`cause it's been years
since I smelled this salty sea"
and he turned his bottle up and down
he saw me lost and he saw me found
and I said
"I don't know what I've been looking for, maybe me"
I said "it's getting kind of late
better be heading down the interstate
can I give you a lift
to san francisco bay?"
he said "nope, I think I'm just
going to sit here and rest
and maybe wait on the
tokyo-montana express
I might just lay here
and dream my life away
i'm going to sit right here,
i'm going to watch the sun
disappear into the ocean
`cause it's been years, it's been years
i'm gonna turn my bottle up and down
you can see my lost
and you can see my found"
I met him on the cliffs
of twin rocks, oregon
he was sitting on his bedroll
looking just like richard brautigan
just like him
Twin Rocks Oregon by Shawn Mullins
I met him on the cliffs
of twin rocks oregon
he was sittin on his bedroll
lookin just like richard brautigan
I thought he was an old man
he wasn't but 37
he said he'd been ridin trains
for 15 years
drawin portraits
to keep his belly full of beer
and it looked to me like he'd died
and missed the plane to heaven
but he was a nice ol' guy
for a younger man
he had a bottle of mad dog
he held in his hand
that he waved around a lot
to make his point
and I listened as he told his tales
of wine and women and county jails
and we finished off that bottle
and smoked a half a joint
he said "I came here to watch the sun
disappear into the ocean
it's been years
since I smelled this salty sea"
he turned his bottle up and down
and I saw him lost
and I saw him found
he said "I don't know
what i've been lookin for,maybe me..."
Well, I told him I too had been
travelin around livin out of my van
from town to town playin for tips
and whatever records I could move
[ Shawn Mullins Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
I said "I don't reckon i'll be
makin it big,
you know it's hard to get rich
off a tout of coffee house gigs"
and he said "yeah, but ain't it a blessin
to do what you wanna do..."
and I told him "yeah, I pulled off here
to watch the sun disappear into the ocean
`cause it's been years
since I smelled this salty sea"
and he turned his bottle up and down
he saw me lost and he saw me found
and I said
"I don't know what I've been looking for, maybe me"
I said "it's getting kind of late
better be heading down the interstate
can I give you a lift
to san francisco bay?"
he said "nope, I think I'm just
going to sit here and rest
and maybe wait on the
tokyo-montana express
I might just lay here
and dream my life away
i'm going to sit right here,
i'm going to watch the sun
disappear into the ocean
`cause it's been years, it's been years
i'm gonna turn my bottle up and down
you can see my lost
and you can see my found"
I met him on the cliffs
of twin rocks, oregon
he was sitting on his bedroll
looking just like richard brautigan
just like him
Twin Rocks Oregon by Shawn Mullins
Friday, April 17, 2009
Conversations with Adam
I have been thinking how one goes about capturing this moment, this very second that is forever locked in the present. Whether it be through words, music, picture, all the above, I have been engrossed in finding a way to preserve and create a fragrance out of this moment. Would I wear it? Does it matter as long as it is this second?
What would your ear hear if you took it off and threw it down the street as a frisbee?
What would your eyes see if you could pluck one out and send it rolling down the hall like a bowling ball?
I guess I am wanting to be that fly that is on the wall, only one of the participants.
Not that I have to be involved in this moment. Maybe this moment isn't for me to be involved in.
Through a series of lectures and thoughts and readings, I stumbled upon these thoughts. One particular tool was this song and video from Jonathan Mann who I had never heard of before this week, but is one of my current "love affairs". He is writing a song a day, which is intriguing in itself. This one is titled "From my Front Door". Yes it's a bit cheesy, but so is life, that's why I like it. But it's also poetic and sums up this whole living in the moment thing really well for me.
What would your ear hear if you took it off and threw it down the street as a frisbee?
What would your eyes see if you could pluck one out and send it rolling down the hall like a bowling ball?
I guess I am wanting to be that fly that is on the wall, only one of the participants.
Not that I have to be involved in this moment. Maybe this moment isn't for me to be involved in.
Through a series of lectures and thoughts and readings, I stumbled upon these thoughts. One particular tool was this song and video from Jonathan Mann who I had never heard of before this week, but is one of my current "love affairs". He is writing a song a day, which is intriguing in itself. This one is titled "From my Front Door". Yes it's a bit cheesy, but so is life, that's why I like it. But it's also poetic and sums up this whole living in the moment thing really well for me.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Easter Challenge
So in my Easter lament I threw out a challenge to look at the disciples and see what changed in their life. I have to admit that I have slacked in this challenge for the most part but this is one observation that I had while reading Matthew. Here is the passage:
Now when Jesus saw a great crowd around him, he gave orders to go over to the other side. And a scribe came up and said to him, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go." And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head." Another of the disciples said to him, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." And Jesus said to him, "Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead."
I read this and couldn't help but think that the disciples were a little naive and presumptuous in what following Jesus entailed. They were a little quick to jump on the Jesus bandwagon.
I feel three questions need to be asked. One, why were they so quick? Two, what was Jesus asking of them? And thirdly, how do you and I look at following Jesus?
Now when Jesus saw a great crowd around him, he gave orders to go over to the other side. And a scribe came up and said to him, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go." And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head." Another of the disciples said to him, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." And Jesus said to him, "Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead."
I read this and couldn't help but think that the disciples were a little naive and presumptuous in what following Jesus entailed. They were a little quick to jump on the Jesus bandwagon.
I feel three questions need to be asked. One, why were they so quick? Two, what was Jesus asking of them? And thirdly, how do you and I look at following Jesus?
Good Morning
Random cough coming from living room.
Roll over remembering a friend spent the night.
Light from the dawn creeping in through the window.
More sound from guest.
Wondering what time it is.
Here a random alarm clock from some other dorm room.
Hate how paper thin the walls are.
Roll over again.
Pull blankets up.
More noise from guest.
Wishing guest would shut up.
Still wondering what time it is.
The alarm is still going.
Hearing my roommate stir in the bed next to me.
Finally someone hit the alarm.
Wondering how much my neighbors can hear me.
More noise from guest.
Doors opening down the hall.
Wondering if I have time for breakfast before class.
Roll over again.
Open and close hand realizing I have slept on it all night.
Close my eyes and try to get back to sleep.
More noise from guest.
Eyes open as I roll over again in frustration.
Wonder what time it is and why the only clock in in the living room.
Turn over and stair at my roommate...he is sleeping...envious.
Turn over again realizing that I am a creeper.
Still thinking about breakfast.
Here random toilet flush.
Same alarm goes off from down the hall.
Turn over trying to forget that I have been up for 10 minutes or the duration of that alarm's snooze.
Need to pee.
Want to get back to sleep.
More sunlight hits my face.
A nose trumpet from the living room....aka my guest blowing his nose jerks me out of any potential bliss and forces me to be decisive.
Roll out of bed and toward the shower.
Angry yes....but at least there is time for breakfast.
Roll over remembering a friend spent the night.
Light from the dawn creeping in through the window.
More sound from guest.
Wondering what time it is.
Here a random alarm clock from some other dorm room.
Hate how paper thin the walls are.
Roll over again.
Pull blankets up.
More noise from guest.
Wishing guest would shut up.
Still wondering what time it is.
The alarm is still going.
Hearing my roommate stir in the bed next to me.
Finally someone hit the alarm.
Wondering how much my neighbors can hear me.
More noise from guest.
Doors opening down the hall.
Wondering if I have time for breakfast before class.
Roll over again.
Open and close hand realizing I have slept on it all night.
Close my eyes and try to get back to sleep.
More noise from guest.
Eyes open as I roll over again in frustration.
Wonder what time it is and why the only clock in in the living room.
Turn over and stair at my roommate...he is sleeping...envious.
Turn over again realizing that I am a creeper.
Still thinking about breakfast.
Here random toilet flush.
Same alarm goes off from down the hall.
Turn over trying to forget that I have been up for 10 minutes or the duration of that alarm's snooze.
Need to pee.
Want to get back to sleep.
More sunlight hits my face.
A nose trumpet from the living room....aka my guest blowing his nose jerks me out of any potential bliss and forces me to be decisive.
Roll out of bed and toward the shower.
Angry yes....but at least there is time for breakfast.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sometimes
Sometimes
...I dream about doing life instead of living it
...I hate people including you
...I wish I had more friends
...I wish I didn't have any friends
...I long for marriage
...I fear the future
...I am alone and love it
...I am sick of my own thoughts
...I cry
but only sometimes
Sometimes
...I am excited
...I feel the passion burning inside me
...I can't control myself
...I drive for hours and tour my own city
...I want to hold you and cry with you
...I want to disappear
...I wonder
...I pretend
...I wish you weren't there
but only sometimes
Sometimes
...I don't give a shit
...I really don't give a shit
...I smile and pretend while not giving a shit
...I use you
...I enjoy using you
...I hate you
...I forget things I have said and say them again
...I question life
...I accept life
but only sometimes
Sometimes
...I am me
...I don't know who I am
...I love God
...I hate God
...I want to wake up and be 5
...I want to wake up and be 85
but only sometimes
...I dream about doing life instead of living it
...I hate people including you
...I wish I had more friends
...I wish I didn't have any friends
...I long for marriage
...I fear the future
...I am alone and love it
...I am sick of my own thoughts
...I cry
but only sometimes
Sometimes
...I am excited
...I feel the passion burning inside me
...I can't control myself
...I drive for hours and tour my own city
...I want to hold you and cry with you
...I want to disappear
...I wonder
...I pretend
...I wish you weren't there
but only sometimes
Sometimes
...I don't give a shit
...I really don't give a shit
...I smile and pretend while not giving a shit
...I use you
...I enjoy using you
...I hate you
...I forget things I have said and say them again
...I question life
...I accept life
but only sometimes
Sometimes
...I am me
...I don't know who I am
...I love God
...I hate God
...I want to wake up and be 5
...I want to wake up and be 85
but only sometimes
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Hope for a fucked up world
"This ol' world's too fucked up for any firstborn son" - Changes Come Over the Rhine
Absolutely love this song at this moment. First heard of Over the Rhine last summer when I got the chance to hear them live. This song was incredible. Mulling over this line this Easter Sunday.
Do I really believe that there is hope? Real, tangible, solid hope. Or is it one of my many super idealistic notions that don't fit reality? I mean I believe, sure. Why wouldn't I believe? It sounds great, right. God comes down to be death in our place. He is graphically slaughtered for all of humanity and we send cute little cards and play with colored plastic eggs. Yeah that makes all the sense in the world. I guess it would be a little easier to get my mind around if I actually saw others living out the resurrected life that follows ultimate death. I look around and I see a few, a small hand full of disgruntled soldiers trying to worship. But mostly I see a people that Jesus would crucify or would crucify him....maybe both.
I normally don't read the news. I find it way too depressing and depersonalized. Tragic stories of people I don't know and most likely will never meet. I gain my news from face to face interaction. If some national or international event stirs me I go and experience the events for myself. This is what I did when I went down to New Orleans after Katrina. I only watched one brief clip when it first occurred and it hit me so hard that I was down within six months and then spent a summer down there. This is not to brag, just to make the point that I don't watch the news. Like I said it's depressing. I can look at my own life if I want conformation to how fucked up this world is. Just for kicks I went to CNN and read the 5 top headlines.
- 5 dead in Florida boating accident, official says
- Family of suspect in Cantu slaying in shock
- Thai riot police clash with protesters 7 min
- Polar bear mauls woman at Berlin Zoo
- Fewer children up for adoption in China
I just don't buy it. The world has real pain, real wounds. Death, disease, hopelessness, suffering, famine, greed, lust, poverty. And that is just in my city, what of the rest of the world? Do I just forget about them like I forget about the guy living next to me?
Or does Easter present some kind of deeper hope in humanity?
Like I said, I want to think so. I really do, cause I don't think that I could stand too much more of this life. So I challenge any readers out there to do something along with me. If there are any like me that want to believe spend the next week pondering the lives of the disciples before and after the first Easter. Something changed drastically in their lives and that is the something that I am longing for. Their passion, their zeal is one of the main driving forces in my life. I need to be reminded of this. Join me in this search for truth if you dare.
couch surfing
I have a heart for the road. Something deep within me longs, yearns to travel and explore the unknown. Along with this passion to see what is around the corner and past the horizon, I also have the uncanny knack of meeting random people and getting caught up in amazing conversation, even if it's only for the night. Talking with some friends the other night at our local coffee house I was turned on to couch surfing. It's a site where people from all over the world offer up their couch to visitors for a night or so. I was completely thrilled with the idea. Finally a way to travel and to met people in one exciting venue.
This too has been something that I have been dreaming about for the church. What ever happened to the discipline of hospitality that we read about in letters such as 3 John? What an amazing way to meet and grow the church! Think about it, there are many that travel while doing church work. Whether it's to do mission work, or to speak, to check out schools, or to just travel we have followers of the WAY moving around doing the work of God in powerful ways. How amazing would it be if people opened up their homes and lives to these sojourners. Think of the possibilities.
I am glad to see people putting this idea into practice. I can't wait to participate in something so rich and beautiful. However, it saddens me that this idea, like so many others was not birthed in the church. We worship a God that is a highly imaginative and truly original artist. Those of us that dare follow in his steps should likewise be overflowing with unique and colorful ways to advance love and community in this world. In the very least we need to acknowledge and participate in the creative genius of those that do create ideas like couch surfing.
Here's to a great summer of surfing couches.
This too has been something that I have been dreaming about for the church. What ever happened to the discipline of hospitality that we read about in letters such as 3 John? What an amazing way to meet and grow the church! Think about it, there are many that travel while doing church work. Whether it's to do mission work, or to speak, to check out schools, or to just travel we have followers of the WAY moving around doing the work of God in powerful ways. How amazing would it be if people opened up their homes and lives to these sojourners. Think of the possibilities.
I am glad to see people putting this idea into practice. I can't wait to participate in something so rich and beautiful. However, it saddens me that this idea, like so many others was not birthed in the church. We worship a God that is a highly imaginative and truly original artist. Those of us that dare follow in his steps should likewise be overflowing with unique and colorful ways to advance love and community in this world. In the very least we need to acknowledge and participate in the creative genius of those that do create ideas like couch surfing.
Here's to a great summer of surfing couches.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
new posts
So, I have done some updating and editing of old, unpublished blogs. I don't know if it possible to redo the publish dates, so you may have to do some hunting and fishing. Good luck and good reads.
Writers write
Sitting at dinner tonight with some friends, I was reminded of the complexity of language. Just take a moment to think about the marvelous invention of words. Words convey meaning and thought. Though words we can have relationship with other humans and even animals to a slightly less degree. Because of written language, you are reading this blog and know what I am saying. We have the privilege of reading and understanding thoughts of some of the most intelligent and the most renown writers of the human existence. Words hold power.That being said, I need to apologize. I need to apologize for my failure of not contributing to the library of the world. See, I am a thinker. While I am sure many thinkers write (I know some of them do, for I have read them), I am not one of those. I think and mull over something, a lot of times forgetting about my thoughts all together. Those that manage to stay in my brain for a longer than a few moments, I bounce off a friend of two, usually over lunch or in passing between classes. However, rarely do I take the time to put them down for the benefit of others. There are people who have given their lives for my freedom to say and write what I think, and I have completely spat on their sacrifice. For that I am deeply sorry.
I have a gift. My writing touches people. I am not saying that it is worthy of world fame, or even publication. But I have been told enough times of my writing touching people that I know I have a gift. I feel guilty for not allowing my talent to fully develop. For that I am sorry.
I don't know if I will have time to write everyday, but I do know that I need to write more than what I do. Expect more from me. Use my ideas as a catalyst for your own. I don't even ask that you give me credit. I only ask that you allow others to grow from your own experiences. For I was reminded the other night that we (society) are nothing but by products of others thoughts and ideas. Let the great thinkers of the world unite. For it is in our apathy and ignorance that we fail and ultimately die.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
