What I am doing this very moment

I am sitting here wishing I could write. Ideas pouring through my mind though never quite painting a picture that makes sense to me. It's almost like I am trying to force something. I am remembering the days when I looked at a piece of paper (yes, I was late to the whole technology age) and my hand could barely keep up with all that I wanted, no needed to say. Oh, how I long for those days. I am older now less imaginative. Though my years add experience I am left to wonder if I have matured. At times I feel like I am still 14, although without the pimples and cracking voice. What does still remain is the insecurity, the fear. As 30 inches ever closer, I am wondering if one ever loses those insecurities.

moments of reflection on that last sentence.............

I don't know if I even want to lose the insecurity. Really. Think about it. By having this sinking feeling inside that I am unsure, not adequate, might fail, etc., in some ways prove what Jesus says. "Apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15) I find that extremely comforting. Looking back at how I have failed over and over again has crippled me to the point of being a shell of a man. And I am glad. for through my failure I see how true it is that I can't do anything without Jesus. I had a friend remind me tonight that we can't even tie our shoes without Jesus' help. What a humbling thought.

I want humility. Is that a prideful thing to say? I hope not, cause I do. I long for humility with everything inside of me. I want to be completely translucent, allowing myself to be so much out of the way that the only thing people see is God. Wow....now that is prideful. Who am I to make wish? And when it happens, if it happens, who am I to propose such a honor upon myself? A possible tension, I admit, but the desire is there none the less. Something I may have to reconcile at some point. Or.....what if by emptying myself entirely of me and allowing God to fill me completely it somehow takes care of itself. What if I never have to say a word because my actions speak for themselves. What if others recognize Christ inside of me instead of me broadcasting it to the world.

One of the first things I would want to do is to apologize on behalf of Christians. But this may be something for a later blog.

Sorry for the randomness....I guess what I am doing right now is very random.