Nuwanda

So I am watching The Dead Poets Society, and as always when I watch this movie, I am feeling something inside me rise up. I am feeling invigorating, alive. I want to take over the world!....just kidding. But really I feeling inspired to do something daring, something thrilling. I want to seize the day!

The question remains of what to do. What awaits around the next corner? I honestly don't know. I feel empowered, yet have no idea what possibly to do with my life. Stand on a desk maybe???? So I just did....really. I need to gain a new perspective on life, my life. I pray that my eyes would open for the needs that around me. I pray that I would be moved to reach out to help, even if it be in the smallest way. I cannot be scared of failure anymore.

Sunday I awoke to "Uncle Salty" by Aerosmith playing on the radio. The song ends on the refrain "Oh It's a sunny day outside my window" repeated over and over. That is not the thing one wants to hear at noon when they just started working 3rd shift. I rolled over and caught a glimpse of the day that awaited me outside my window. To me right then that line meant more to me than anything I heard in a long time. Besides the obvious sunny day that was beyond my window, was another meaning, a deeper meaning, that being a better life.

The last 6 months have been spent wallowing about, feeling completely sorry for myself. Bitterness, hatred, confusion, and a slew of other emotions clouded my vision of things. I was completely self consumed to the point of complete exhaustion, and breakdown. At the front of this was fear of not having a job. Well, that song playing and laying in bed praying, along with some other things that God has been showing me, I knew what I had to do. I have to seize the day. So I did. I quit my job.

Now on to what is next........

What I am doing this very moment

I am sitting here wishing I could write. Ideas pouring through my mind though never quite painting a picture that makes sense to me. It's almost like I am trying to force something. I am remembering the days when I looked at a piece of paper (yes, I was late to the whole technology age) and my hand could barely keep up with all that I wanted, no needed to say. Oh, how I long for those days. I am older now less imaginative. Though my years add experience I am left to wonder if I have matured. At times I feel like I am still 14, although without the pimples and cracking voice. What does still remain is the insecurity, the fear. As 30 inches ever closer, I am wondering if one ever loses those insecurities.

moments of reflection on that last sentence.............

I don't know if I even want to lose the insecurity. Really. Think about it. By having this sinking feeling inside that I am unsure, not adequate, might fail, etc., in some ways prove what Jesus says. "Apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15) I find that extremely comforting. Looking back at how I have failed over and over again has crippled me to the point of being a shell of a man. And I am glad. for through my failure I see how true it is that I can't do anything without Jesus. I had a friend remind me tonight that we can't even tie our shoes without Jesus' help. What a humbling thought.

I want humility. Is that a prideful thing to say? I hope not, cause I do. I long for humility with everything inside of me. I want to be completely translucent, allowing myself to be so much out of the way that the only thing people see is God. Wow....now that is prideful. Who am I to make wish? And when it happens, if it happens, who am I to propose such a honor upon myself? A possible tension, I admit, but the desire is there none the less. Something I may have to reconcile at some point. Or.....what if by emptying myself entirely of me and allowing God to fill me completely it somehow takes care of itself. What if I never have to say a word because my actions speak for themselves. What if others recognize Christ inside of me instead of me broadcasting it to the world.

One of the first things I would want to do is to apologize on behalf of Christians. But this may be something for a later blog.

Sorry for the randomness....I guess what I am doing right now is very random.

Living the sloppy life

1 Peter 1:13 -16
So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that's coming when Jesus arrives. Don't lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing. You didn't know any better then; you do now. As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness. God said, "I am holy; you be holy."

¹⁷You call out to God for help and he helps—he's a good Father that way. But don't forget, he's also a responsible Father, and won't let you get by with sloppy living.

We talked about this passage in house church tonight and I was convicted. Earlier this year, I had this attitude. I had set my mind and my whole being toward God. I rolled up my sleeves. I was ready to get dirty. Passion flowed from my innards and was being manifested.
Then.......

Then, life happened. I started working a job, 3rd shift at a restaurant and my whole life seemed to get thrown out of gear. No longer did I have the time to spend hours pouring over the Bible as in the last couple of weeks. No longer did I have the energy to do much of anything as I was trying to figure out how to sleep while the sun light peaked through my curtains and my neighbors blasted their stereo.

I think I have gotten used to the nocturnal life. Though I still have yet to figure out how I am going to get out of this groove of being sloppy.

Lord, give me the grace and the time to put you first.

Jesus is our blueprint

So, I have been reading a book entitled "The Death of the Custodian". It is a small little book that packs a huge punch. I will give a full review when I finish, but something I read tonight triggered my thoughts relating to another blog awhile back.

I was exploring whether the New Testament is to be viewed as a blueprint or a case study. Ketcherside, states in his book that the letters which we commonly give the name New Testament can't be a blueprint simply because there were Christians living before the letters were written. It is probable that there were Christians that lived that never read any of the letters. Our example is not a working out of the letter of the law like in the Old Covenant, but a following of the example of Jesus, the Christ. He is our "blueprint".

Thought that was an interesting take on the issue. Though it doesn't answer the question of how then do read the Scriptures. I guess, if you adopt this view that you would read them as more of a case study.

Fighting for solitude

In a world where people have all but forgotten what silence and solitude is, I will fight for my right to partake of solidarity. If I don't like the song, I can turn off the radio. Sick of the show, change the channel; I do have 200 of them. Bored with the movie, I can always walk out, and even get my money back. Yeah, try it, as long as it's within 30 minutes, you can leave with ease. There is music playing while I shop, while I wait, while I order food. Everywhere I go, I am surrounded by external stimuli that is there to entertain and....keep me numb? It is almost as if as a culture we are so bombarded with noise and chaos and entertainment and...and....and....that we are not longer comfortable with the one thing that we can never get away from, never turn off, never silence...ourselves. It is almost as if we are trying to turn off ourselves by turning on everything else. I for one will not cave in. I have somewhat always been drawn to nonconformists, I guess this is my way of not conforming to the masses. I want my solitude, for I will always be there. I might as well try to get to know the man inside. Who knows, I may even find out that I like him.

Awakening

Winter has overtaken my soul. My heart burns from the bitter cold chill. Whiteness covers the barrenness I used to call my imagination. I long to look up into the stars of the night, looking for inspiration. But my eyes freeze shut. I hear voices from my past as I blindly stumble toward them. I trip and when I pick myself up, I can see.

I can see, and I notice that I am no longer in a winter wonderland. No, now I am wondering aimlessly through the desert. I can no longer hear the voices of those I once loved, for they are too far away. I point my face toward them and place one foot in front of the other, but I soon realize that they aren't getting any closer. For they can't. They are only a mirage.

I stop and take a deep breath as the painful reality overtakes me. I am alone. One small tear drops from my eye and falls to the dust at my feet. Thunder crashes as it hits the hard ground that is my heart and awakens me to my plight. I raise myself from my dream to stair into the face of the one I can never be free from.

"Hello again"

The sound of my own voice causes my reflection to jump back in anguish like nails across a chalk board. Fearful, I slowly turn back for I am compelled by something almost outside myself. I turn and see another face smiling back into my soul. I quickly turn away for my eyes hurt. I have never seen before.
"It's ok. Take your time."

Soft, warm, sweet. Like nothing I have heard before, a voice speaks to my soul. How? I don't give my though as I let the warmth voice melt my soul. I can't help it and turn back bearing the pain my eyes for the sight is well worth the pain. Slowly the fog around my soul lifts to the breaking day.

I have seen the gory of the Lord! Oh my soul rejoice!

drifter

I am a drifter out on an a dead end road
Trying to find my way back......home?

I left home when I was 18 never to return. Holidays were spent with the grandparents, not at the place I grew up. The few weekends I did visit were pure hell. During one fight my mom told me she didn't want me there for the summer so I figured I wouldn't burden her anymore than I already did. 18 years was long enough. Maybe too long.

I hate it when people ask where I am from. I honestly don't know how to answer. I really don't know what they are asking. I grew up in Plainwell, MI. Though I don't remember much if any of living there. That was 10 years ago, but it might as well have been 200 and me reading it from a text book than to recall anything from my memory. So, it follows that I feel weird giving Plainwell as an answer to where I am from. I haven't lived there in over 10 years. I have lived more time not in Plainwell than in Plainwell, as I moved there when I was 8. When I lived out of state for the time I did, saying I was from Michigan suficed. Now that I am back I don't know what to say.

I added it up one time and I think I have moved something like 20 times in the last 10 years. The place I have lived the longest has been Lansing. So I guess I am from here. But then it gets complicated because I just moved back here. No reason like family or anything. Family was the last reason I waned to move back. I just felt like I had to, so here I am.

I am a drifter that's for sure. Don't really know how or why. Sometimes I hate it. Really hate it. Other times it fits me. I have no family, I gave up on them a long time ago. I have yet to start my own family, sometimes wonder if I ever will. I like to travel, I like the open road. After watching "Into the Wild", I am thinking of spending a summer hitching rides across this beautiful land that some take claim to as the States. I would love to follow in Chris' footsteps and travel up to Alaska. Maybe even spend a night in the magic bus. But thanks to fear, and global bullying, I need a piece of paper that says I am a citizen of America. I am not though. I gave up on America last July 4th, my personal independence day.

Are you with any particular denomination?

I have been asked or heard people ask what denomination I or another group was associated with many times. All separate instances by completely different people. Each time I was with a different group, so the answer varied accordingly. However, each time it was asked there were two common denominators. One, the group asking. Two, the motivation in asking.

The group inquiring on the issue has always been a group that does not consider themselves a denomination. They take pride in being "Christians only, not the only Christians." I am currently attending one of their colleges where I am enrolled in a history class that covers the formation of their movement. I am finding it very interesting learning about the influences of thought during the 18th and 19th centuries and how it relates to today. I am also finding great delight in Christians of yesteryear that fought so hard to shake off their denominational heritage. I consider myself one of these few that are Christians, period. I am finding it slightly ironic that a group of Christians that teach unity of all believers would inquire so heavily on various others beliefs.

Maybe I should clarify why they were asking. As I said, the motives were all the same. They were all asking because they wanted to know if our doctrines were such that they agreed, or at least could give permission to usage of their facilities or partnership. In a few cases it was a denomination seeking usage of space for a group to meet. They sought knowledge of the groups beliefs to see if they were in accord with ___________(their creed? I thought they didn't have any creed but the Bible.) In one instance, the group was denied. In another it still has yet to be determined. The other cases involved partnership, teaming up with other believers to reach a greater radius. One was a misunderstanding, in which a single person thought he was going to be working with a particular denomination that he couldn't support. However that denomination did not in fact have any presence, but merely gave resources to the group that this man was working with. In other words, the denomination that this gentleman didn't want to work with was sharing their tools with others in the Kingdom. In another circumstance, a group of churches were working together in a local area that was in chaos after a natural disaster. A few churches were not involved with the joint effort, one being part of this movement. I as an intern of this church that valued unity, took it upon myself to see what united front there was in rebuilding this area. I was pleasantly surprised to see many working together and offered the assistance of our church in the effort, for we were very much there. However, when my boss (not God), found out about my efforts in building unity with other groups, he ignored it, saying that they were groups that he couldn't support.

I have two questions. 1) Are the many thousands of denominations treasured by God as His church?
2) If they are, who are we to not support them?

Admitting that I am a child is not easy. No, acknowledging that you are immature, foolish, and down right stupid is hard. But that is what I am doing. I am a 28 year old adolescent that longs for the day he grows into manhood. More than anything else, I dream of the day when I look at myself in the mirror and know that I am a man.

But to become a man, I need to know what a man is.

Where are the men?!

Can I speak the gospel?

A few years ago I was doing a comedy skit with a bunch of teenagers for camp. We wrote our own skit as we wanted something original. While it mostly was a comedy, we were also going to have a gospel presentation. I as their counselor and also being in Bible college was elected to share the gospel when we performed live. I didn't give it much though as to what I was going to say, I figured that I have been in church long enough and been in enough classes that I should be able to articulate the gospel clearly enough.

I was wrong. I stuttered over the good news of Christ delivering us from sin. I don't know if anyone caught it, but I did and so did God. I remember feeling surprised by my lack of confidence in sharing such simple truth. Heck, I had even preached before, I should be able to give a simple gospel message.

Now, almost three years later, I am wondering if I would still stutter. Do I know what the gospel is? Am I confident in sharing Christ's work?

But more than being able to articulate the words well, I am wondering if I can share it with confidence because I am also living it out with that same confidence. Are my words and my live equally reflective of the redemptive work of Christ? Not that the power of Christ is any less powerful if i am not living it out. But the message does lack integrity if I am not living in the grace that has been given to me.

Lord, may I not be ashamed.

Walking the line

I no longer want to be counted among the simple or the youth or Proverbs 7. I want to be a man, to grow up, to put childish ways behind me. No longer to I want curiosity to control me, but I want to be governed my sense, God's wisdom. Oh, how I long for the wisdom of God.

How close can we get to ______ (fill in the blank) without sinning?

Reread that question which is so overly used by so many, myself included. See how absurd it sounds. Really, if we are children of light, walking in the righteousness of God, filled with His Spirit are we going to care how close we can get to sin without actually sinning? Or are we going to run with all of His strength, as fast as we can into the arms of Him that can make us all the more holy.

I was a staff member at a rehab where at a certain point in the evening the men were not allowed outside their rooms. Their door however was to be open at all times. We called this period quiet hours as it was geared toward winding down for the day. Many of the men rested, while others wrote letters home. Some used it get to know their roommates a little better. However, a few wanted to stand in the door for they couldn't think of much else to do besides see how close they could come to being in the hall without actually being outside their room.

I would walk up and down the hall monitoring quiet hours. I would make sure the men were being quiet and staying out of the hall. I saw these few men standing at their doors and I had to wonder if they were really wanting to sin, or if they just wanted to stand in their door.

I would walk over to them and walk them back into their room. We would chat for a few minutes as I gathered why they wanted to stand in the door. Most didn't know why. They just knew that was as far as they could go.

I am like these men far too many times. Walking the line in different areas of my life, not even knowing why. How easy it is to get pushed or pulled off that line, and go somewhere I don't want to go.

Lord, give me wisdom to know when I am walking away from you.