paralyzing fear cont.

Everyday I wake up is another reminder of how much I lost. I wake up well before the sun because I don't want there to be a glimmer of hope in another opportunity. I don't believe in opportunities anymore. Not since then. There is a lot of things I no longer believe in. No overarching reason, just can't seem to make sense of it. Every time something seems to be moving forward I do something to not only close the door, but slam it shut, lock it about a dozen times, and then throw away the key. I am not sure how many doors I unintentionally locked. Or was it intentional after all? But here I am waking up with no purpose, no hopes, no dreams. Just going through the motions and making myself nauseous in the process.

Where did all my friends go? All those that said that they would stand by me, especially her. They are nowhere to be found. Gone like all those other opportunities. Locked away with no possibility of ever finding it again. I miss her. Oh how I miss her. She brought me hope like no one else could. It didn't matter if it was dark outside, she was my sunshine. She was childhood laughter. She was purifying rain. But no more. Gone, like the sock in the dryer, never knowing where it went or if it was there to begin with. Sometimes I wonder if I made her up. Something to love for my own interests. I never really felt like the love was returned. And even now, with missing her, I am not sure if it so much her I miss or the love I had toward her. Was it our friendship or was it what I was using the friendship for?

So now instead of waking up to her, I wake up to a cold, lonely cell. I wake up in utter darkness, desperately trying to seek some small light. Just a glimmer of light, to show me what the next step is. The ironic thing is that I possessed the light all along. It wasn't her, it wasn't the missed opportunities, it wasn't even the memories of lost innocence, It was Him; God. All along He was calling out to me, "Here I am, it's okay. Take my hand. I will lead you home."