Fear grips me, but I don't even know what I am fearful of. Failure? No, at least I don't think so. I have grown accustomed to failing. I almost enjoy failing. It's all I know. It defines me. I have no idea how to live without failing. Maybe that's it. Fear of doing well. That's it. I am scared of success. I don't know how to deal with success. Maybe that's why it always seems as if my closing the doors on opportunity is deliberate.
Either way, I am full of undefined fear. It controls me. Keeps me from reaching out. Keeps me trapped in a cage. Keeps me tame.
I don't want to be tame. I wasn't born to be tame. I am like a lion, wild and unashamed. But also like a lion, I lack self-control. Without learning how to keep my rage, and passions in reign I destroyed my own life. Everything I know...gone.
That is why I long for the old days. The days before the lion awoke. The days where I was small and timid. The days where I laughed in the rain. But that also means that I long for the days when I was ignorant and bound, lacking both knowledge and power. Now I just have knowledge without power.
How do I tame the beast within me, without killing it completely. It is what drives me, it is what breathes within me and gives me life. It is why I wake up in the mornings and why I am tired at night. I can't kill it....but neither can I let it run wild and free. For that is how I ended up in the place I am now. The place where I am neither waking up with excitement nor going to bed tired. I wish I was going to bed tired, oh how I wish I was going to bed tired.
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