Anonymous blessing

God still does work in amazing ways. I was truly humbled toady as I was blessed with a anonymous gift. My car is in the shop needing some repairs and to my surprise I found out that someone put some money down on the car. I went down today and got my car completely floored that it is done. What a testimony. Thanks.

I learned tonight who it was. They said that I had taught them a great lesson in wealth and trusting God and wanted to pass that blessing back to me.

I still can't believe that this is happening. God has been stirring something up and it is exciting sitting here in anticipation.

God, I thank you for the blessing. Both for my car, which you blessed me with, as well as with the repairs which you are now blessing me with. You are truly teaching me that if we seek the Kingdom of God you will bless us with all that we need. May I take this as a reminder for all areas in my life. I repent of the self pity that I have been living in for so long. Lord, awake me to the dawn of a new day. A day that is bright in love, and peace and you. Open my eyes to all that you are doing and wanting for my life. May I be able to pass along this blessing to others and share the wealth that has been given to me.

I share this with all of you to encourage you. Whatever it is that you are going through, God is able to work it out. Trust in Him.

I feel the need to clarify a few things for my own benefit as well as any readers out there. First, if there are any readers, thank you. I feel humbled that you would find my thoughts worthy of you time, as time is increasingly growing into a limited resource. As for the need to clarify, it has come to my attention that I have been putting forth an image. I have had a few people say, (my paraphrase of their words) that I an emergent in denial. Whether this has been inadvertent or purposeful, I do not know. I think it may have been a little of both. I would like to say for the record, that I would not label myself as part of the emergent church. I am researching it as I find a lot of what they say to be intriguing, as well as pertinent to our culture today. However, there is still a lot that I find terribly frightening.

I have yet to find a clear definition of what the emergent church is. If all it is, is a making the gospel more relevant to our culture, then yes, I wholeheartedly agree. However, it seems to be deeper than that. For example, the conference that I observed from a distance, was covering topics such as the doctrine of Sola Scriptura, or scripture only, which all of protestant theology is based on. In my limited knowledge, Luther's stance was that the church needed to get it's authority from only scipture and not from outside sources, which at that moment included the tradition of the Catholic church. To revisit this doctrine is to open a can of worms (forgive the pun) that I am not comfotable opening. Our authority rests in Christ alone, in His word alone.
I am informing myself to a greater degree on the doctrine of Sola Scriptura for the sake of understanding the growing question of who has authority in the church.

Something I do value of the emergent church is comfortable place to ask questions without fear of rejection. Something I have noticed in my life and in the many years I have spent in Christian acadmia is that many are scared to question. The reasons are endless, but as it's base include fear. Fear of losing one's ministry, fear of losing credibility as a Christian, fear of even being a Christian. The church urges people to build a personal relationship, but lacks the environment in which one can go through the means of building that relationship. A relationship is more than mean dogmatic belief in a certain creed. It is being able to open up to God the doubts and fears and questions which haunt our very soul.

Though I am just starting this blog, and it's direction has not been clearly laid out, I do want this to be a safe place where dialogue can happen. The authority of this blog is scripture. I will try to appeal to scripure more often as I continue this journey into learning about the emegernt church.

Some may ask why I desire to learn about the emergent church. Why not leave it alone. To that I respond with this: there are some in the emergent church that are claiming this great emergence to have equal or greater influence on the universal church as the reformation did. To make a claim like that and not have Christian's look into it is foolish. I do not know where I stand, but I do feel and notice that the church is in a shift. I want to know what side to be standing on once this earthquake is done rumbling. And I want to know who I can trust to lead me and guide me in a deeper understanding, and deeper love of my savior.

Cool links to the conference this weekend

I am just checking into blogs that are being updated throughout the conference this weekend. Not sure what I am going to find, or how much I will be able to post. But this is what I have found so far.

http://twitter.com/jonathanbrink

http://jonathanbrink.com/

Here is another one I am reading right now

http://fathertlistenstotheworld.blogspot.com/2008/12/great-emergence-live-blogging-kinda.html

A prayer for the church

Starting last night in Memphis there is a conference where the future possibilities of the church are being explored. I want to lift them and the church as a whole up in prayer. If you want to check the conference out go to http://www.thegreatemergence.com/Home.

Father, your church is experiencing a time of distress; Comfort us. Your church is being distracted from her purpose, she is an adulterer; bring us back to our first love. We are apathetic, lazy, selfish, and do a poor job of showing that we are followers of you. We are sorry. We repent. Forgive us, and lead us again. Lead us into a time of renewal. A time when we are passionate about all that you are passionate about. A time when we are a safe place for those in need to turn, instead of being a place that turns people away. Convict us. Awake us. Love us. Guide us. Our desire is to follow you. Our motives are good, but we have failed in agreeing on how to best do that in a world that is increasingly becoming less and less familiar. We are going to need ears to hear and eyes to see what you are asking of us. Give us hearts that place you at the center and our desires and motives and plans to the side, until we understand our place and purpose in this world. Show us the church that you want us to be, so that your purposes and not ours can consume our days. In the name of Christ Amen.

Black Friday....Buy nothing day

I was sharing my thoughts of Thanksgiving with a friend and he mentioned something that I didn't think of, that being the extreme commercialism involved with Black Friday. It is more than a tradition, it is now entirely a necessity. There is Thanksgiving and then you have crazy, insane shopping.

Well again, I have to wonder if that is at all Christian. I over heard someone brag that they spent $300 in sales. I do not want to be legalistic here, or put people down, I am just wondering out loud. What is the price of America's over indulgence in materialism? Have we assessed what all that buying does not only to us individually, but also globally?

A while ago, I started exploring consumerism and it's relationship with the global economy. I am not an expert and very much ignorant. I in no way feel adequate to discuss this. I do want to pose the questions though and maybe together we can find some answers.

In my exploration, I came across something that I consider ingenious. There were many people protesting Black Friday by participating in Buy nothing day, where they were encouraging as many as possible to not go out and spend money last Friday, but go 24 hours without spending any money. I participated, not because I necessarily wanted to, just due to the fact that I didn't have any money.

Just something to consider. If you wanted to read more check it out. http://gatheringinlight.com/2008/11/23/buy-nothing-day-2008/

lessons of war

So I am reading The Ugly American for my Lit class. I found the chapter Lessons of War, a wonderful parable for what the modern church is experiencing. To sum up the chapter, there is a war going on in S. Asia. The French are trying to secure a base with no success. The French general, Monet, and two Americans, Tex and MacWhite, are talking about why they are not having success against the commies. One of the Americans, Tex, is a prized officer with much experience. He realizes that the war they are fighting is a new war. It is a new war with new rules. The commies have changed the game without letting them know and when the French learn of this new game and study the new tactics, they finally win a battle. It is too win the war, but they finally win the battle.

Once they safely leave the battle area, they are having a meeting with their superiors and getting lectured about their crazy use of these ridiculous tactics that the commies use. The tactics are outlined in a pamphlet written by Mao. This is where I wish to pick it up.

"General, as you know I was the one who requested this session," Gilbert MacWhite said calmly. "Since December of 1946 the French have been fighting a war which has been maneuvered by the Communists precisely along the lines which Mao outlined in this pamphlet. You are a military man-you will excuse my bluntness-but you made every mistake Mao wanted you to. You ignored his every lesson for fighting on this type of terrain. You neglected to get the political and economic cooperation of the Vietnamese, even though Mao proved long ago that Asians will not fight otherwise - question. Have any of you ever read the writings of Mao Tse-tung?"

There was a moment of silence. The senior French general, a man of wisdom and excellent connections, turned slightly red. The other French generals blanched. MacWhite leaned forward in his chair waiting for an answer.

"If you are suggesting, Ambassador MacWhite, that the nation which produced Napoleon now has to go to a priministic Chinese for military instruction, I can tell you that you are not only making a mistake, you are being insulting, the senior French general finally said.

"That's not what I said," MacWhite answered. "I asked if any of you had read Mao?"

"Hell no, they haven't read him," the American shouted. "And neither have I."

And he bit his lips as if he were keeping himself from saying more. MacWhite knew that only his personal fortune and his political connections were keeping the general from ordering him out of Hanoi under armed guard.

MacWhite shrugged. "Apparently you gentlemen refuse to use your own eyes and ears."

Monet pushed back his chair and stood up. He was pale and his hands were trembling.

"Gentlemen, I am entirely responsible for the operation which we have just described to you," Monet said in a steady voice. "It contradicts everything that I was taught at St. Cyr and everything this American general was taught at West Point. But it worked. I tell you it worked. If I had the opportunity, I would multiply this operation a thousand times. In the months of fighting in Vietnam, it is the only complete victory I have commanded. Multiplied a thousand times it might give us a total strategic victory rather than an unimportant tactical success. If anyone is to be punished, it should be me. But I beg of you, do not ask me to change my mind on something that my own eyes and my own experience teach me is what should be done.



I read the preceding and couldn't help but see the parallels. Like I said before, I am reading through McLaren's The Church on the Other Side. He starts out describing that our world is experiencing a shift. A massive shift like none other in our history. I don't think that it need to be explained, but to make the point as clear as possible, "Think of the automobile and its effects on the environment, the economy, the family unit, and even courtship and sexuality (especially when the car is equipped with a back seat). Think of radio, air travel, birth-control pills, antibiotics, and the cathode ray tube....Then came the tidal wave of social change set in motion during the sixties.....Think of space travel and the personal computer, the cellular phone and the microwave, the fax machine and the Internet, the compact disc and genetic engineering." This was written a few years ago....do I have to update you throw the changes of the last 15 years. I will mention one...the blog.

What are the effects of all these changes and them happening so fast? One can only imagine, for we are still in the midst the change. The earthquake hasn't stopped yet. Our world is still being shaken.

The question for the church, for Christians, for you and me, is how are we going to respond. Are we going to respond with the same ole tactics and ways that things have always been done. That is fine and good, and no one is saying that those ways are wrong, for they have preserved the church. But I beg the question, are those ways going to still work in world that is moving faster and faster away from all that we have known. This is a new war, a new world.

So, far, I feel that MacLaren is being not only fair, "We should not underestimate either side of the equation - what must change as well as what must not," but real. He understands that the church needs to seriously look at where it has come from and where it is going. Are we wanting a place to come and gather with those that are like minded and share the same values? Are we trying to preserve a safe place to raise our families, away from the evils of this world? Or are we trying to shine in this dark world like stars in the darkness? If the former, go join the Amish. If the later, let's explore how we can be a new kind of church for a new kind of world.

Yes I am a hypicrite

So, just for the record, I wanted to let all of you know that I eat way too much yesterday. Way too much. I also watched 5 football games, which is a record for me. I also watched one movie. So my blog about Thanksgiving applies to me first and foremost. I am sorry. I just wanted to confess that.

Will the real Christian's please stand up

If no man is an island, then why am I so alone?

If we are our brother's keeper then why is sin not talked about?

If we are supposed to work out our own salvation, then why are questions and doubts criticized and belittled?

I am lost and confused. Not intellectually. I could answer most theological questions you could throw at me and I would believe it. No, the questions I have are in the heart, deep emotional stuff. I have never understood why we tell people they are not to trust their emotions. If God is a relational God, then why the heck would he tell us to stuff our emotions?

I have really been doubting a lot lately. My faith, my life. Is it real? Why am I hear. I watched the Matrix again the other day and replayed the scene in my mind where Neo has just woke up after being freed from the Matrix. He and Morpheus are talking. He says that he can't go back. Morpheus doesn't directly answers but asks another more pertinent question. If you could, would you want to?

Do I want to go back to a life of ignorance? Sometimes. To have the freedom to do what you want without your conscious or the Holy Spirit to get in the way. But then is that really freedom. Is life being plugged into the Matrix really freedom, really a life.

I feel like I am rambling, but the point that I am trying to make is that there are times I want out. It is too hard, or I am being asked too much. At times I feel like God tricked me and I am getting the raw end of the deal. Whew I just dogged a bolt of lightening. But I am serious, sometimes, even today, I want out.

But that doesn't answer the question of "can I". Without getting into the theology of Calvinism or Arminianism, I don't think I can go back. Even if it was possible, somewhere at my core, I wouldn't want to, I couldn't. Even if all things were forgotten or I just choose to forget, I would still know in my heart of hearts that God is real and I am called to a life of warfare against the powers of darkness. To know, to taste, to partake of the Holy Spirit, to see, and understand and feel freedom from sin, it's all too much. Sin has lost it's grip and I am free to be all that God has created me to be.

Which leads to full circle to the title of this randomness, will the real Christian's please stand up? If we are free, utterly free from sin; if Christ's death, burial, and resurrection truly broke us from he grips of sin; then why are we not living in the fullness. Why am I still so comfortable wasting my freedom, my life on such trivial things as writing this blog and playing dragon wars on facebook. When will I go through just one day and ask myself at every crossroad, "Does this action glorify God? How? Am I advancing the Kingdom by doing this?" Lord, save me from myself.

Thoughts about Thanksgiving

So, maybe this is just me being over pessimistic, but I was thinking about how "Christian" is Thanksgiving....the holiday, not the action. It is a glorified feast, where you take pride in how much you can hold down. Can anyone say gluttony? Then you lounge around, being overly lazy, which the bible has a lot to say about. The activities range from watching a multi-billion dollar sporting event to indulging in a wholesome movie....which probably isn't all that wholesome if you really wanted to be honest.

I am not some radical fanatic getting all up in arms about how we shouldn't conform to the traditions of this land.....ok so maybe I am. But seriously, I am just a Christian that is critically looking at how we or how I spend my time and my resources. Before you start preparing for your Thanksgiving feasts, take some time to think and to act for those that are less fortunate. Let's show our thankfulness by how we treat people, not by how much we can stuff in our bellies. Hey, maybe if we did, we wouldn't have to complain about gaining weight over the holidays.

Emerging Chruch

So, I am tired of the postmodern / modern debate in evangelical circles. We are in a postmodern world and need to be a postmodern church that knows how to deal with postmodern questions. Period. Modernity no longer applies to the needs that are out there. That isn't bad, that isn't horrible, it isn't sinful, or the end of the church. It just is.

I read an article today about how the emerging church is going to destroy the church and all that. Sorry, I don't buy it. I went to an emerging church for a few months out in Missouri and it totally rocked my face off - to use an expression from my old youth group kids in Iowa. The article quoted Brian McLaren, whom by the way, my church in Iowa didn't support....interesting. The article was trying to say that McLaren is a spokesperson for the emerging church. My old church made a distinction between the emergent church which they said McLaren was a part of, and the emerging church which they considered themselves a part of. I personally didn't care which terminology they used, nor why, maybe I should have. All I know is that it was a freaking amazing church. I come back to Bible College and all of a sudden there is a big debate in the church over the emerging movement, which is too postmodern for some peoples liking.

So this is what I am going to do. I am going to educate myself over the issues. I want to do this for a number of reasons. One, I consider myself part of the emerging church and was completely offended at the article I read. In all fairness, I do need to finish reading the article, I was too angered to even finish it. I guess that would be a good place to start. Two, I have seriously thought about going out to Mars Hill Graduate School, where if I am not mistaken, McLaren is a prof. Therefore, I think it is a serious issue I need to look into.

I will start with the article I read today, along with the book that was quoted, The Church on the Other Side.

I recognize that I do have some biases and therefore cannot be totally objective. But come on, can anyone really be totally objective when approaching an issue. I will try to use my biases for my advantage as they have sent me on a road where I was completely frustrated with the way church was being done and have tried to rebuild my love for Christ's bride while maintaining my love for Christ himself.

I am open to comments, thoughts, questions, resources....anything. Let's gain a clear understanding of how each of us as individuals and as a corporate church can live out the gospel so that we are bringing Christ the glory that He is due, and make it attractive to others.

Dinner with a stranger part 2

Tim walked away partly ashamed, partly proud. Scott never returned. Tim had a suspicion that might happen. He still had to try. He couldn't walk away without doing all that could be done to help Scott into the Kingdom. If that meant parting with his debit card and his phone so Scott could feel trusted, then that is what needed to be done. He rode back to the college in silence, rethinking the events of the afternoon.

He wanted to get mad at Scott for stealing from him. He wanted to get mad at himself for allowing it to happen. But something much deeper tugged at him. He sighed and continued driving as he thought of how he was in so many ways like Scott. He felt tears welling up in his eyes as he thought of how he steals everyday from God and doesn't think anything about it. He slowly mouthed the words I am sorry as he pulled off the road, his eyes too watery to see.






I heard the other night from a friend that this story really happened. I was floored, horrified at my own sin. Does it make it worse because we have a face to put with Scott and we don't with Christ? Is that why I don't feel so bad when I take advantage of his grace and steal his forgiveness. Or am that much of a pathetic jerk to even care? Lord forgive me.

Dinner with a stranger part 1

Tim sighed and looked at his watch. 10 minutes had passed since Scott left. It was a long 10 minutes and it was going to be an even longer 20 till Scott was supposed to return. They had only met a few hours ago, but already they had shared things that best friends rarely share. Deep intimate scars, only a few people know of and even less speak of.

They met in the street. Cold and hungry, Scott was doing his usual task of pan handling. He was good at sizing up people. The ones that looked him in the eyes were usually the ones that would give him some money. He was really lucky when they were Christians. He was really lucky when he ran into Tim.



Tim, a young college student, was feeling the need to go for a walk. His dorm room was getting way too small and the college was getting even smaller. He attended a small Christian college at the edge of town. That college for many became a hide away. A place where students escaped the so called evils of the world around them instead of going out and being the light to those in need. Tim wanted to break free from that mindset that seemed to hold so many in bondage. So he left for a few hours and just started walking around downtown. That is where he ran into Scott.



They locked eyes instantly. There was a desperation in Scott's eyes that first made Tim notice. He immediately began to pray for him and reach into his pocket for some change.



"Hey man, can you spare some change for a hungry old man?" Scott called.



Tim made his way over. I got him now, thought Scott with a smirk. Nothing left to do but reel him in. They chatted for a few moments. Tim didn't have any change, but did offer a listening ear and a word of encouragement. He offered also to buy him dinner as he had his debit card, but no cash. Scott, agreed as he saw something in Tim that he didn't see in most people and wanted to learn more.

They sat down in a corner booth and ordered. The conversation dulled down as they covered most of the surface topics. Weather, where they were from, what food they were going to order and why. Those topics which fill the lives of most of America. Tim anxiously awaited the moment when he could take the conversation deeper. He really wanted an open door to ask Scott about Christ. And then it happened.

"So, you one of them Christian's, aren't cha?" Scott asked breaking the ice. "You asked me out to dinner to feed by belly and soul. Gonna tell me how I need Jesus and how He will make all things better if I ask him into my heart. Huh?"

"Yes, I am a follower of Christ. But no, things will not just get all better, because you put your faith in Him."

With a sly looking grin and a shake of the head, Scott looked right straight into Tim's eye. It was an evil glare. One that said, I ain't want nothing to do with your God. Tim smiled back and tried to look past the evil exterior. Jesus, you love this man. Show me how You see him.

They talked a couple of hours about faith and life, hurts and disappointments. Scott opened up and shared things that made him angry at God, angry at the church. Tim didn't offer him much of an explanation, but offered an ear. Many tears were shed, and a few laughs also shared. The conversation went round and round, not really getting anywhere.

"Look this has been nice and all," Scott finally muttered, "but we both know I am not cut out for this here Christian thing. For one, I just don't trust Christians."

He paused, taking a long drink of his coke. "It's like this; they see me and run. Maybe not physically. Huh, most of them will even talk to me or offer to take me out to dinner like this. But mentally, emotionally, they are distant. They check out of the conversation before it even gets going. They don't want to help me, they just want to mark off their good deed for the day. But help me, no, they don't want to help me. They can't help me till they learn to trust me."

Tim wanted to interject, but he just kept listening, trying to hear this man for who he truly was. Suddenly he got an idea. "What can I do to prove to you I trust you?"

"You serious."

"Yeah, I really want to help you. Maybe you are a little rough, but I see good in you Scott, I really do. I want to trust you. I do trust you. What do you need?"

"You got a phone. I haven't talked to my family in years. Don't know if I remember their numbers or not, but if you got a phone, maybe I could call and talk to them for a minute."

"Sure, I have a phone you can use, " Tim said reaching into his pocket and handing it to Scott.

Scott grabbed it, hesitantly, never taking his eyes off of Tim's face. He was trying to read him, like he did before out in the street.

"Anything else?" Tim asked.

"Yeah, if you wouldn't mind giving me your debit card and pin number. I would like to go out into the mall and get some clothes to wear to my job interview." Scott said with a laugh. "Really, just the phone is fine."

"No, no," Tim said as he reached into his wallet. "If this will show you, really prove to you that I trust you, here." He laid the credit card down on the table. "The pin number is 3749. You got that or you need me to write it down."

"You live on the street as long as I have and you can't forget much. I got it." Scott never touched the card, and he never took his eyes off of Tim's face.

A silence hung over their table for what seemed like close to an hour. Finally Scott, jumped up from the table and grabbing the card and looked Tim in the eyes. "You serious about this."

"Go call you family and get yourself some clothes. I'll be here."

"Thank you Tim." He offered out his hand. "I'll be back in a half hour."

Twenty minutes had passed, and Tim was starting to question what he had done. Scott was a complete stranger, a homeless man that he had never before met in his life. A homeless man that now had his credit card and his phone. Panic rose up in him. Then he heard a quite voice whisper, "Trust in me."

The lion within.....paralyzing fear cont.

Fear grips me, but I don't even know what I am fearful of. Failure? No, at least I don't think so. I have grown accustomed to failing. I almost enjoy failing. It's all I know. It defines me. I have no idea how to live without failing. Maybe that's it. Fear of doing well. That's it. I am scared of success. I don't know how to deal with success. Maybe that's why it always seems as if my closing the doors on opportunity is deliberate.

Either way, I am full of undefined fear. It controls me. Keeps me from reaching out. Keeps me trapped in a cage. Keeps me tame.

I don't want to be tame. I wasn't born to be tame. I am like a lion, wild and unashamed. But also like a lion, I lack self-control. Without learning how to keep my rage, and passions in reign I destroyed my own life. Everything I know...gone.

That is why I long for the old days. The days before the lion awoke. The days where I was small and timid. The days where I laughed in the rain. But that also means that I long for the days when I was ignorant and bound, lacking both knowledge and power. Now I just have knowledge without power.

How do I tame the beast within me, without killing it completely. It is what drives me, it is what breathes within me and gives me life. It is why I wake up in the mornings and why I am tired at night. I can't kill it....but neither can I let it run wild and free. For that is how I ended up in the place I am now. The place where I am neither waking up with excitement nor going to bed tired. I wish I was going to bed tired, oh how I wish I was going to bed tired.

The power of prayer

If we are honest, painfully honest, how many of us pray? I have seen the miracle of prayer in my life and still am ashamed of how little I bring my requests before my King. I get filled with pride and don't want others to know my needs. At times I see glimmers of hope, times where I fellowship with God and with my siblings in Christ, but most of the time I just fake it. Go through the motions. I am sick of being fake! When am I going to wake up and walk in the power that Christ has given me? When am I going to take my new identity seriously?

I have friends that are ready to step up and take on the task of praying. If you need prayer for anything. Anything! Please do not hesitate to let someone know. It is our responsibility to be praying for each other. If you would like my friends, Ben and Megan to be praying for you as well check out their site: http://prayitforward.weebly.com/index.html. It could change your life.

May I learn from my friends and take on the job of praying for those in my life.

Wash Me Clean by Shawn McDonald

Awaken me from my sleep
And open up my weary eyes
Move me from my complacency
And bring my soul back to life

Won't You take this heart and mind
And help me to believe

In the fire that ignites my bones
It's in the water that brings life to my soul
It's in the blood that washes me clean

Consume my wandering thoughts
And renew my mind
And remake, and recreate
And interrupt my life

Won't You breathe your breath on me
And help me to believe

In the fire that ignites my bones
It's in the water that brings life to my soul
It's in the blood that washes me clean

Won't you help me to believe
Won't you help me to believe

In the fire that ignites my bones
It's in the water that brings life to my soul
It's in the blood that washes me clean

In the fire that ignites my bones
It's in the water that brings life to my soul
It's in the blood that washes me clean

It washes me
Washes me
It washes me clean

struggling to keep asleep....paralyzing fear cont.

Today is a like those others; a day where I wake to nothingness. No dawn greats me, welcoming me to a new day. So, I fight desperately to stay asleep. With every ounce of my being I wrestle some unknown force, trying to maintain some sense of control; some sense of peace; some sense of freedom; that only comes when I am lying in a state of semi-consciousness. It is only in my dreams where life seems to happen for me anymore.

Not that my dreams are alive, far from it, but they are far more bearable than the waking life. At least in my dreams I can still have her. At least in my dreams I can still cling to the laughter, and play in the rain. At least in my dreams I can escape the realities of the man I look at in the mirror everyday. He is the one that I am trying to avoid at all costs. It is only when I am sleeping that I am completely free from him.

So that is why I struggle to stay sleeping almost everyday, especially today. For today I is a day that I have to look at me.

paralyzing fear cont.

Everyday I wake up is another reminder of how much I lost. I wake up well before the sun because I don't want there to be a glimmer of hope in another opportunity. I don't believe in opportunities anymore. Not since then. There is a lot of things I no longer believe in. No overarching reason, just can't seem to make sense of it. Every time something seems to be moving forward I do something to not only close the door, but slam it shut, lock it about a dozen times, and then throw away the key. I am not sure how many doors I unintentionally locked. Or was it intentional after all? But here I am waking up with no purpose, no hopes, no dreams. Just going through the motions and making myself nauseous in the process.

Where did all my friends go? All those that said that they would stand by me, especially her. They are nowhere to be found. Gone like all those other opportunities. Locked away with no possibility of ever finding it again. I miss her. Oh how I miss her. She brought me hope like no one else could. It didn't matter if it was dark outside, she was my sunshine. She was childhood laughter. She was purifying rain. But no more. Gone, like the sock in the dryer, never knowing where it went or if it was there to begin with. Sometimes I wonder if I made her up. Something to love for my own interests. I never really felt like the love was returned. And even now, with missing her, I am not sure if it so much her I miss or the love I had toward her. Was it our friendship or was it what I was using the friendship for?

So now instead of waking up to her, I wake up to a cold, lonely cell. I wake up in utter darkness, desperately trying to seek some small light. Just a glimmer of light, to show me what the next step is. The ironic thing is that I possessed the light all along. It wasn't her, it wasn't the missed opportunities, it wasn't even the memories of lost innocence, It was Him; God. All along He was calling out to me, "Here I am, it's okay. Take my hand. I will lead you home."

Faith

"Faith is unlearning the senseless worries and misguided beliefs that keep us captive. It is far more complex than simply modifying behavior. Faith involves synaptogenesis. Faith is rewriting the human brain." - Mark Batterson In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day

I read this this morning and didn't know what to think about it. I am desperately in need of rewriting my brain. I have gotten brain washed by the culture. Indoctrinated with lies about the way the world works. I need to fill my mind with the word of God.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

Why is it so hard to rewrite our brains? Why is it so easy to get taken away into the culture of this world and forget that we have a larger home in the life to come?

Lord grant me the faith to see life as it truly is. To grow and mature into the man that you want me to be. Open my eyes to see you for who you really are. Open my eyes so as to see others as you see them. Give me compassion to fuel my days. Open my eyes that I may see myself for all that you created me to be.

paralyzing fear

Here I sit, longing for a day long forgotten. A day filled with peace, and hope. A day where laughter could be felt as easily as the breeze or the rain. There was much rain then. Rain that covered the city with purifying water, washing away the tears, and fears of just a short time before. This was a sweet rain, a rain which urged one to reignite the innocence so long forgotten. You could almost imagine splashing in mud puddles. That is where the laughter came from. From deep inside.

It could be heard as well, for it was real as well as imaginary. There was as much to laugh about as there was to cry over. Though the tears were of yesteryear when there was much hurting. So much hurting was there that it was almost unbearable. That is what made the laughter that much sweeter. And the rain that much cleaner.

Little did I know that those short days of laughter and rain would be the last time I would ever experience peace. The last days I would ever feel hope. Where did they go? Why did they disappear? No one knows. They just got ripped away along with every ounce of faith and passion one could possibly muster.

All that is left is an empty shell of a man. A man that looks young. But years don't matter when you have no future.