Whose got ambition now Virg?

A couple of years ago, I was volunteering at a local festival in town.  My task was directing people where to park as it was a little confusing.  One point in the afternoon, a strange man approached me saying that while he parked illegally, it was ok.  He left his business card.  He also said that I needed to show some ambition.  I found out later in the day that the strange man was none other than the mayor. 

Last night I had another run in with the mayor.  It was the red carpet premiere for the Capitol City Film Fest.  I didn't know what to expect or who was technically invited.  I didn't know if I would know anyone, I didn't care.  All I knew is that it was free, there was going to be food, I was hungry and needed to get out of the house.  So I went.  I ended up standing a few people behind Virg in line for the horderves.  It was all I could do not to laugh out loud. 

Turned out I did know someone there.  I ended up seeing one of my friends who is in the film industry.  I made my way over and met lots of other whose who in the local film world.  Everyone wanted to know who I was and why I was there.  Not that I didn't belong, just casual curiosity and polite exchanges of "hello's" and "what do you do's".  I quickly realized I have no answer to that question.

A few weeks ago I went to a job fair.  I knew what to expect and in hindsight wondered what compelled me to go.  It reinforced my criticism of the whole career mentality.  A bunch of phonies trying to lure you in by expecting you to be phony back.  No real authenticity.  That would break the facade, expose the lie that we don't really know each other.  Nor do we want to.

Last night was different.  I wasn't going to impress or get a job or meet people or any of that.  I was going for the experience and of course chicken.  The funny thing was, no one seemed to mind.  They actually enjoyed my honesty.  One of the guys I met actually bought me a drink and invited a bunch of us out to the local hot spot for a night out...on him.  People were intrigued by me....without me trying to impress. 

I realize I still need to find a concise way to answer the question of what I do.  I have always hated the question.  But it's not the question's fault.  I can still be me in answering the question.  So for now, the answer I gave last night will have to suffice.  I just live life.  I think that is one of the most ambitious endeavors one could have. 

something I wrote a long time ago

Allow me to introduce myself
I am a pervert
a dirty sex craved monster.
I see that it makes you feel uncomfortable
You can leave if you want,
but I if you stay maybe we can both learn how to love.
See, I want to run too.  I hate myself.
Some years I don't even want to look in the mirror.
So I don't.
I want to be someone else.
But the more I get to know people, the more I see that I hate everyone.
We are all monsters, all hypocrites.  At least that is how I see it.
But I digress, I wanted to share about me.
I am a phoney, a fake.  I pretend to be something that you want me to be.
Then spend all my time trying to figure out what it is that you wanted me to be.
It makes me feel good to know that you like me.
Sometimes that is all that I have.  You liking me for being something that you want me to be when all I want is
To die.
I have tried to kill myself.
Many times.
I drank so many household cleaning supplies that my name should be Mr. Clean.
I drove myself to the hospital that night.
Didn't eat right for a week.
Shit like hell though.
I don't like to sit still.
I was raised in a suitcase
Learned my ABC's reading license plates.
Learned how to lie from my dad as he was "chew"ing his medicine.
Learned anger from my mom as she threw vacuums at my head.
Learned how to hide from them both as they both grew hard toward one another, both denying the other even existed.
I learned hate when the denial was complete.
I grew up in that hate.  In the void of nonexistence.
I saw that it is possible to unlove those closed to you.
I saw that it is easier to push someone away than to fight through the pain...
Even if that someone is yourself.
I learned how to lie to everyone...especially yourself.
What I haven't yet figured out is what to do when your lies are exposed.
My family must be better liars than I.  I still have more to learn.
But I don't know if I want to.
   

Bridges by Utah Philips

Time is an enormous long river
And I'm standing in it
Just as you're standing in it
My elders were the tributaries
And everything they thought
And every struggle they went through
And everything they gave their lives to
And every song they created
And every poem that they laid down
Flows down to me...

And I can reach down into that
river and take out what I need
To get through this world
Bridges
From my time to your time

As my elders from their time to my time
And we'll put into the river
And we let it go
And it flows away from us, and away from us
'Til it no longer has our name, our identity
It has its own utility, its own use
And people will take what they need to make it part of their lives.

How many eggs does it take
To learn how to juggle?
How many hearts does it take
To learn how to love?


A stranger bursts
Into the diner
Stares down the cook
"HAHA!!"  He says.
"I WANT TO JUMP OVER
THIS COUNTER
AND HUMP YOUR LEG!!!!"
I wish I lived that way.


We share the same name
But we aren't family
We once pretended
But that was when pretend
Came easy.  Like
Money under your pillow
Or presents under the tree
With teeth and cookies missing
Now all that's missing is
You.

Oh the sounds the pavement makes
As shadows rise from within
Flat, empty, hollow lives
Locked in the prisons of their mind
Erupting from the cracked pavement
The faceless army unites
Armed with pen and pain

Powerless

Powerless

Thoughts come but never leave
Always poking and telling me
Half of the story.

They tell me
I will enjoy it
I deserve it
I need it
No one will know
No one cares
And because I don't care I listen.

I don't care because I am tired
I am tired of always hearing the voices
I listen and obey
Just so they go away
And yes they do come back another day
Another day
Another day
Another day.

Repetition...it's always the same old song and dance
Porn star dancing with hands down my pants
Blind to the the reality of my own pain
I think not of what I have to loose
But only what's to gain.
A hard one, release, and stain.

Spent my life waiting for the stain to dry.
Spend my time thinking of my alibi
Wanting to cry
To scared to die
Tired of the lie
Pack my bag and fly

My wings are broken.
They have been for years
if I even had them at all.
Maybe that too is one of the lies I believed.
But that is the first of the truths I am starting to live.
Slowly day by day as I wake up in the same bed
the same house
the same city
with the same streets
I start to find freedom in the routine.

Yes I know where the women are
But I also know where hope is
And it's closer than a number
Hope is the people I live with
The friends that won't give up.
The God that forgives.
Hope is looking back at me in the mirror.

epic

I have always wondered what would happen if everyone in the world just forgave each other of their debt and we started the whole world economy over with a clean slate.

Convenience Stores

Bluebird in my heart

Charles Bukowski - Bluebird

there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I'm not going to let anybody see you. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I pur whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke and the whores and the bartenders and the grocery clerks never know that he's in there. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay down, do you want to mess me up? you want to screw up the works? you want to blow my book sales in Europe? there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too clever, I only let him out at night sometimes when everybody's asleep. I say, I know that you're there, so don't be sad. then I put him back, but he's singing a little in there, I haven't quite let him die and we sleep together like that with our secret pact and it's nice enough to make a man weep, but I don't weep, do you?